Heerlijke foto's: het leven van een vader van vier dochters

 

Is it only me or do all men learn to sleep on an 8 inch strip at the edge of the bed? Irrespective of the size of the bed, or how many people are in it, I always find myself relegated to the 'man zone'. I've become so used to sleeping on this limited area of bed real estate, that I'm confident that I could sleep on top of a wall & not fall off. On the other side of the bed (the promised land), @mother_of_daughters sleeps like a star fish all night long, kneeing me in the back and generally complains about me coming to bed too late, being too cold or my foot encroaching onto her territory. At least the bed's nice and warm, even if the reception isn't sometimes! I hope that next Sunday, on #NationalLieInDay, I'll not only gain another hour in bed, but more space - but it's doubtful ! If you want to regain that hour (and some space for that matter) click in the link in my bio, loads of great prizes to be won @SimbaSleep #bedrealestate #livingontheedge #girls #twins #daughters #therestoomanygirls #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #gopro

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 23 Okt 2016 om 12:00 (PDT)

 

Clemmie's out this evening so i was in charge of dinner and bedtime. The traditional picnic plate has been overdone recently (random things chucked on a plate and hoping the kids still find it fun and not see through my laziness) so I really switched it up a Gear and gave them pizza. Just to help service along, I cracked open the bottle of @hernogin i was given for xmas - no, im not despressed or unhappy, I'm just partial to a good gin, however I feel I may have not appreciated this award winning tipple fully though as I accompanied it with cold half chewed pizza i'd rescued from the floor using the international 3 second rule and some flat tonic that had been left open my Anya. And yes I'm drinking out of a childrens bottle. I didn't put the dishwasher on this morning and now it's all I can find. We reap what we sow I believe the saying goes. Happy Monday all #aginworthsavouring #dinnertime #couldhavetaughtthemaboutrefractio butdidnt #mondaydrinking #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 16 Jan 2017 om 12:53 (PST)

 

Having got this whole temporary solo parenting thing slrt of figured out, I've now turned my hand to the domestic chores that despite me ignoring, persist in not going away. I consider myself to be a relatively smart person. On the scale of intelligence, I'm somewhere comfortably nestled between an amoeba and Einstein. Yet despite having the one thing that scarecrow didn't have in the Wizard of Oz, I can not figure out how to use a washing machine without shrinking my prized jumper down to a size that would be so tight on the twins, they'd probably experience respitory problems while wearing it. This is now only good for dress dolls & perhaps small lap dogs that have been spoilt way too much & have been accustomed to cashmere. Also why does every single item end up inside the duvet cover when in the machine? Why??!! #alwaysreadthelabel #shrunk #tighterthanme #domesticallyflawed #Fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #soloparenting

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 28 Mrt 2018 om 12:25 (PDT)

 

@mother_of_daughters is out this evening getting yet another ear piercing (if she gets any more, I'll be able to see through her) so I've got all 4. Like any manager worth his pay grade, I delegated & I left Marnie in charge of the 2 delinquents while I made bottles. I returned to the twins drowning animals in the toilet & dispensing of, what transpired to be, the last toilet roll in the house. Unsurprizingly, like my pay check after 10 days, the 6 yr old had vanished without a trace. If you don't hear from me tomorrow it's because i died on a wet bathroom floor due to getting my arm stuck round the U bend while retrieving a plastic squeaky cow and my dignity. What a way to go. #atleasthedieddoingwhatheloved #toilettombola #baddelegation #myselfrespectisintheresomewheretoo #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 30 Jan 2017 om 12:04 (PST)

 

I play with Barbie. There, I said it (hardly shocking as I'm drowning in daughters). As an adult, your imagination can get stunted as life experience tells you what's possible and what's not, but playing with my girls & watching where their minds takes them keeps me feeling youthful, something no chemical peel or botox can compete with. Granted, some of the story lines are a little far fetched, but that's the point isn't it? why not be a fashion designer one moment, an astronaut the next and finish the day being a vet, having been a particle physicist that also moonlights as a backing dancer between lunch and tea time. It's hard to keep up, but as long as they keep playing, so will I. FYI I don't play with Barbie when the kids aren't around. not in view of Clemmie anyway. Any other dad's out there who partake in a bit of roleplay #dadswhoplaybarbie #ifiwerebarbieidbeshattered #understandagirlsmindsishardwork #play #parenting #FOD #Fatherofdaughters #ad #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 5 Feb 2017 om 12:39 (PST)

 

when you become parents, you don't notice it, but your house gradually takes on a new aroma. it's only when guests come round, their faces contort & they ask whether you'd had a fish curry with a side of old ham for dinner, washed down with milk 2 weeks past its use by date, do you realise that you now live with the scent of 'odour de baby ass'. That said, once and while you come across a natural disaster that makes your nose invert and die. I walked into the twins room today and found this offending article next to an open nappy bin. She smelt like a old pork chop found in a drain - upon removal, she seemed blissfully unaware that she was being lifted by her dungarees and carried on stripping the silcone off a bottle of old milk I'd not cleared up. #myhousesmellsofass #missionimpossibleimpression #porkchopinadrain #neverbedownwind #hazmatsuitrequired #FOD #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 3 Feb 2017 om 12:04 (PST)

 

As a parent, your brain has the capacity to wipe all dark memories from its hard drive, leaving you with rose tinted memories of times gone by. Yet today we started potty training for real at nursery and the deleted files containing fuzzy visions of being handed warm damp bags of shitty knickers came screaming back. Years ago, I Once picked up one of the older girls from nursery during this unpleasant stage of development & placed the offending bag of bilge in my suit jacket, only to discover it again the next day while searching for a pen in a sales meeting. It was not a nice experience. And now with twins, I get double the amounts of parting gifts - today I was presented with more wet knickers than a flooded M&S underwear department & every other pair looked like an Asda car park after it had been hijacked for a late night street racing meet - covered in skidmarks. Even if I tried my very hardest & punched my bladder, I don't think I could wet myself this much! man, I hate this phase, but we'll get there..... #itsallcomingscreamingback #bagofbilge #partinggifts #pottytraining #checkyourpockets #Fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 16 Jul 2018 om 12:58 (PDT)

 

Yes I do look like the mid 30's love child of a Disney Princess and the Easter bunny or perhaps an unsuccessful drag act you'd find on a cruise liner who specialises in animal impressions, but this what happens when you let you children projectile vomit the contents of the dressing up box onto you. Clemmie walked in on us after l having called us for dinner multiple times to find what must look like the hangers-on who are still sleeping in field 2 days after the festival finished - me, a blond Bob Dylan lookalike, a fairy & a disgruntled Delilah who was livid that the very hungry Caterpillar costume was covered in welded on weetabix. Clemmie turned & walked out in silence - you said you'd take me in sickness and in health - well dressing up is my sickness. Now, how do you dislocate your shoulders to get out of this human body trap? #cruiserlinerentertainment #disneylovechild #dressingup #imcomfortablewithwhoiam #Fatherofdaughters #dadlife #fod #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 25 Mei 2018 om 12:52 (PDT)

 

No, this is not me doing an impersonation of gazza's famous dentist chair celebration, it is infact the moment last night force i was fed a bottle / partially waterboarded by my own Flesh & blood. (I'm not exactly sure what secrets I was supposed to divulge but I'm betting it was something to do with the location of biscuits). For some reason the twins are obsessed will the babies at the moment - either pretending to be one themselves or forcing everyone in a 5 metre radius to regress to new born status so that they can parent us. I for one wouldn't mind although I could without the imaginary nappy change which is a little degrading - I'm sure there's niche fetish serviceout there that would charge a small fortune to treat an grown man as a baby, but I seem to get this for free on the regular without even asking for it. #forcedregression #downit #notacelebration #manchild #waterboardingforkids #Fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #dadlife #fod

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 1 Jul 2018 om 1:04 (PDT)

 

The wonders of modern technology. Why, oh why did I give my eldest an ipod touch? Yes, its great to stay in contact while im away but my inbox is now full of emoji based spam from my bored daughter. (The emoji poo is a firm favourite). Today while in meetings, I convinced her that because I'm 8 hours ahead of her (I.e. in the future), I could send her the lottery numbers and shes guarenteed to win as i already know the winning ones. Took her a while to figure out that wasn't actually the case, made me laugh though! FYI Yes I look shattered but I've been travelling for 22 hours so what do you expect!! #wecouldhavewonthelottery #remoteparenting #kidsandtechnology #whyalwaystheemojipoo #emojispam #workingaway #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 27 Sep 2016 om 8:40 (PDT)

 

Should I get offended that when I'm in charge of dressing the girls, instead of being given free rein to 'get creative' and use my couture fashion eye to create a 'wow' outfit that will catch the eye and imagination, I walk into their room and find that all the clothes are laid out already. Granted I have a tendency to dress them as boys, and will invariably forget the importance of layers, and that spots and strips clash, and that socks are essential, and that a baby grow doesn't count as day wear, and that I dress them the same, i cant tell them apart for the rest if the day, but surely if you give me a chance, the law of averages will mean I'll get it right one day! #daddressing #twins #dontdressthemthesame #theylovechewingshoes #icandressachild #badly #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 3 Nov 2016 om 2:18 (PDT)

 

Did anyone else get the memo to inform all parents that its international opposites day today? No? Me neither but Apparently all children have been informed it's totally ok to do the exact opposite of what all overbearing full grown humans tell them to do. Case in point - this evening's Bathtime - I said "please stop splashing! mummy will kill me when I forget to tidy this up later". What they heard was "please go ahead & start up a toddler induced wave machine the scale of which could be used to test war ships, soak the floor & then flail about like a confined depressed killer whale which will eventually eat it's trainer". Turns out it's fine though as the water has now drained through the cracks in the floor boards & has seeped through the ceiling downstairs. This only even happens when I'm in charge on my own. Coincidence? #bathtimetusnami #theyremakingmelookbad #ineedflooddefences #imadeadman #thewaterisnowdownstairs #Fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 27 Jun 2018 om 12:40 (PDT)

 

No this isn't curling training - this is community service. If you live in this house there is one law that is etched into your grey matter at birth - if you make a mess, you are responsible for clearing it up. However this law (besides taking & not paying 5p for carrier bags) has to be the most commonly broken law ever. The problem is that the parenting police force is so depleted that offenders flee the scene before we get there, resulting in us throwing wild accusations in all directions under our breath while we once again picking crap off the floor. In most cases, no one is ever singled out in the police line up apart from good old Mr. Nobody (who should be doing back to back life sentences if he's done half the stuff he's been accused of) so they all leave, free to offend again. This time however, we caught the twins trashing the utility room & the judge (@mother_of_daughters ) & jury (me) showed little leniency, ending their crime spree in community service - I.e. 5 minutes of sweeping. It's fun being a law maker. #youngoffenders #sweeptilyouweep #twinoffenders #ifoughtthelawbutthelawwon #communityservice #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 22 Feb 2018 om 12:58 (PST)

 

I can be sure of one thing in my life as parent. Doing anything that involves getting down to floor level - be it clearing up, retrieving rotting food from under the sofa or just your lying down as a result of being frequently more shattered than the cheap glass in an IKEA ribba picture frame - usually results in either someone inserting a random object down the back of my pants or being climbed on by at least 2 children who are hell bent of making my spine into a 'U' shape. This impromptu game of human buckaroo is all well & good until I inevitably get carried away at which point cries of joy turn to cries of fear as clumps of my hair are forcably removed from my scalp by hands that have the grip of an an over possessive octopus. It's not my fault that my impression of a bucking horse is on point. If you don't know how to ride, don't get on the stallion. Aren't Sunday evenings just the best... #mybuttcrackisnotagame #buckahoohomeedition #tamingastallion #professionalriderssonlyplease #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #fod #instadad #twins #sundayfunday

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 10 Dec 2017 om 1:15 (PST)

 

Tomorrow is international day of the girl and I, more than most, am celebrating. I might be heavily outnumbered and outgunned, but I'm celebrating because my girls are strong independent young ladies that are growing up in a world that they can do anything they put their mind to (with a little encouragement). We strive for equality and see women as equals (and in my case, as superiors!). That said, in many places girls are seen as second class citizens and have limited opportunities to reach their full potential. This has to change. Go kiss your girls goodnight & encourage them everyday to reach for the stars. Tag a strong girl and share. #mygirlswearthetrousers #daughters #dayofthegirl #girlsareequals #girlsarestrong #sisters #mygirls #girlsareamazing #beproudofyoudaughters #fatherofdaughters #instadad #dadlife

Een bericht gedeeld door Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) op 10 Okt 2016 om 12:39 (PDT)